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I'm a 30yr old Muslim Gal who comes from a Pakistani background. I am currently in the middle of a divorce so thought I'd write a blog, more for myself, as a diary but anyone is welcome to share their thoughts x

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

New Site

Hello!  So after some time away and realisation that my heart is quite attached to this blog, I thought I would let you know that I have moved it to another site.  This will allow me better control of posts some of which I may be more comfortable sharing only with a select few.

The address for the new site is:  https://biryanniforone.wordpress.com/ and goes by the same name "Desi, Divorced and Damn Fabulous".

I look forward to catching you there from time to time x

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Retraction

In an earlier post sorry seems to be the hardest word, I seemed to make a range of crazy apologies.  I'm not quite sure what was going through my mind when I made them.  I think I had just heard about one of his friends almost getting pummelled by my ex and felt a little bad for them.

However, I would like to retract said apology.  Whatever happened to all my ex's friends and the hassle they received wasn't ever down to me.  Their friendship never ended due to an admirable quality in any of them to cut off following knowledge of an affair.  It was for their own selfish reasons.  A couple of them lied to me to cover his affair and the fact he was hanging out with girls behind my back.  When I confronted one, he told me that he covered because at the end of the day "I wasn't his mate but my ex was".  The age old, "Bro's before Ho's".  I wonder if those words will echo in his ears one of these days.

As for the bit on the side and her family.  As it is coming to the two year mark, my ex will probably have had his fill of fun with you.  Either he will have moved on or will be seeing somebody else behind your back by now.  There was a time when I was so upset after finding out about the affair that I pathetically twitter stalked and saw the poison written on the mistresses pages about me.  I look forward to receiving my apology from you about the lies and indecency which were being spouted (amongst the obvious).

While I'm at it, I wouldn't mind an apology from the mistresses brother either. The manipulation of using their ill mother to ensure that I wouldn't mention anything to their family members was a ploy that went for my heartstrings at the time.  I was a bit dim to realise that people will do whatever they need to in order to ensure their own are protected.  

I think that will do for now!

Monday, 20 October 2014

That Time of Year Again

I feel pretty tired lately.  This time of year isn't get any easier.  As I enter into year two of separation, I thought emotions around particular "anniversaries" would lessen but it doesn't seem to get any better.  I've learnt plenty along this journey and am still learning as I go along the way. Some things I picked up two years on:

1)  Everybody else will forget but you won't.  Sometimes it seems strange to me that things carry on as normal and the way everybody including me adjusts back into life again.  I have the odd twinges where I want too scream at someone; "Do you remember what I went through?".  My pain still exists, some days it's less and some days it's worse but people will forget as it's not theirs.  You more or less have to deal with it yourself.

2)  People can be assh*les.  Try not to depend on others.  Plenty of friends tell you how they will always be there for you but when push comes to shove, they don't really want to get too involved in the mess.  I have been lucky on the whole with friends but there are still some whom I feel quite disappointed with.  

3)  Men think you're desperate.  I have been chased by married men asking if I want to be their second wife (bolk), propositioned with one night stands (no lie) except it was worded under "temporary nikkah" and generally been met with plenty of unsavouries that I wouldn't even send to my worse enemy.  When you divorce, particular men will think you are game for anything.

4)  I can take on the world.  I really do think that I have been through one of the most difficult things people can go through.  As a result, I feel pretty confident that whatever the world throws at me, I will be able to take.

5)  I can't be bothered with bullsh*t anymore.  If I dislike someone then I won't be around then and if I don't want to take someone's nonsense then I put them right.  I don't know if this is coming down to age or my experience but I just don't feel like I want to waste time on being fake.  This relates to some family too.  I keep things right and civil but don't go beyond that now.  This probably boils down to hurt over the fact that whenever they see me months down the line, they never ask how I'm doing which really is a bit of a basic in my eyes.

I feel this is a bit of a negative post or maybe it's just a real one.  You'll probably notice that October, November and December posts don't tend to have the most uplifting of words in them.  How do you find anniversaries of separation?  Is anybody else further along than me and able to comment on how things are now?




Sunday, 7 September 2014

Short n Sweet


Hello folks!  This is just a short post to say thanks very much for the messages of the past few weeks, makes me feel loved!

If you would like to reach me then feel free to email me on desidivorced@gmail.com.

Please feel free to share any of your stories in the comments section as I do feel this blog is a platform, not just for me, but for others to know that they are not alone in their pain/in-law problems/divorce/difficulties.

I may have some exciting news soon related to this blog but I'm afraid I have to leave it mysterious for now! I know, I'm an arse and I hate people like me who do that. xx


Sunday, 3 August 2014

Hadi in the Kebab

Another anniversary passed, it was fine, a little blegh but overall fine.  Unsurprisingly no one remembers now except me of course but that's to be expected, I don't remember anyone's anniversary who is still married let alone divorced. 

Hold on, I lie, one person did remember and messaged me to ask how I was.  I replied with the standard "ok".  I knew I was due to bump into her during the day so she messaged me saying that we should grab a bite to eat afterwards.  I felt quite good about having some girl chat, I think a standard bitch is still allowed on would be anniversaries. 
I waited for her to say good bye to her husband so that we could make our way for the "men are dogs" line and some chicken.  I waited......then it dawned on me that we weren't about to have any girl chat, I was on my way to have dinner with a couple.  It was the God awful "cheer up the sad hag" dinner.  I love people's well meaning intentions, I just wish they wouldn't be so thick.  I don't want to go out with a couple today (or frankly, most days), I just want some of the gals around me and I want that chat that can only take place with no guys around us, that sorority of sisterhood (point to note, I did not say lesbian-hood).

This is something which post divorce, I have become acutely aware of...... couples can be  insensitive.  They will invite you out for dinners because that's what we used to do when I was married, they don't want to exclude me which is lovely but......I really don't want to be around couples.  Am I jealous?  I don't think so.  I've been thinking about what the problem is.  I have to make two people's worth of conversations and let's face it, I feel like a loser being by myself whilst I have couples (chirpy or pissed off) around me.

I remember my cousin mentioning something her husband had said to her when they were just married.  He said, he didn't like PDA's because you never know what the other person is going through so why evoke hurt or upset in them.  His sister was divorced so whilst I never gave it much thought at the time, I'm assuming now that his words were a reflection of how he perceived she must feel.  I do try my hardest not to feel anything when couples are.......couple-ish.  I think it's cute and nice etc but I can't do anything to stop or help the flashbacks that I get of myself once being......well, couple-ish. 

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Farewell for Now

I resurface again.  I don't tend to write here much as I do a fair bit of writing elsewhere now.  After finding out my ex, his lover, his friends and friends who are close to me all read this blog, it puts me off sharing my true feelings.  I don't feel I can express myself without it feeling like I'm sending a message to him or without worrying that family members may think I am on the brink of some major nervous breakdown (particularly after some of the earlier blogs).
 
Not much has happened since my last post.  A deadline passed which I set my ex so now a court injunction is being started and hopefully financial matters will be closed.  My lawyer has told me to use my power wisely and start proceedings when he actually has assets to his name but I can't be bothered dragging things out.  I know he is not the type to ever own anything of value.  I had considered dropping the matter and for some time put it to the back of my mind but it gnaws at me.  It is like that loose thread which I want to tie up.  So I've decided to proceed. 
 
I don't particularly enjoy living in this community anymore.  I hear things about him and his family despite my best efforts although I am lucky for the most part that we don't run in the same social circles.  I was hoping that given my ex in laws were so precious over their family name, they would have buggered off to Pakistan with their heads in shame over what he had done but unfortunately that only lasted a few months before they came back.
 
Funnily enough, I can forgive him for what he has done however I have difficulty forgiving his mother or family.  I do feel that they are already suffering with my ex being back in their house and to an extent I do feel some sympathy for the stress they might be enduring there.  I also feel there will probably be justice as though a plan is being laid out for the future.  My in laws had pride that their family was full of boys, I only really had nephews on that side of the family except one niece.  I heard recently that all the family have daughters now and I see that as a telling sign.  Perhaps people will come to realise why daughters are so precious and how to treat them correctly.  I wonder how they would feel if someone treated their daughter in the way they or even their son/brother treated me?  Maybe this will be the cause of their change or maybe not, ignorance has no boundaries at the end of the day.
 
I'm generally plodding along and plodding along for now is ok as there are certain things keeping me here for now.  Once they settle then I hope to get my travelling shoes on again and move away for a while.  Experiencing other countries. as I have said earlier, has always been a goal of mine.  I've been accused by friends of running away and letting him win.  I don't see it in that way.  I can choose to leave if I want to whereas despite his best efforts (and I know he wants to) he can never leave as he doesn't have the means nor the motivation to do so.  So who exactly is the winner?
 
I will possibly update things from time to time although for now I think this blog has come to the end of its natural life.  It served its purpose which was to give me a voice when I couldn't speak.  For all the love and support I got during this time, thank you!  For all those going through something similar, your family aren't lying when they say pain dulls as it will.  Unfortunately what they don't tell you is that the urge to kick him in the balls never does!  Adieu.

 

 

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Catch Up

A few new things have been happening.  I applied and got accepted for a project in Lebanon so will be away for a few months.  It involves doing some aid work with Palestinian refugees, the type of work my heart has always been wanting to do.  I don't feel particularly nervous about doing things by myself however that may change as the time comes closer! 
 
Infact I've been thinking about doing some travelling by myself.  I think it's another step to keep my confidence growing so I've been looking into travel companies who specifically cater for singletons.  I'm aware that I don't want life to pass my by and the reality is that most Asian/Muslim girls if they aren't married aren't allowed to travel alone so if I want to see the world then I really need to make my own plans.
 
Life is generally good alhumdulillah although I still get the odd down days.  Nothing in particular brings it on. Most times, it's just a sense of extreme loneliness which has brought me nowadays to a sympathetic understanding for woman who end up running off with non Muslim men.  It probably sounds bizarre but I get why they do it.  At the end of the day, it's not realistic to accept that woman will live alone for the rest of their lives so when they find companionship elsewhere, they grab it. 
 
Aside from that, more propositions from men who have been accused of cheating on their wives.  I get that there are always two sides to a story but the fact that there is suspicion means that I can't bring myself to want to hear the other side.