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I'm a 30yr old Muslim Gal who comes from a Pakistani background. I am currently in the middle of a divorce so thought I'd write a blog, more for myself, as a diary but anyone is welcome to share their thoughts x

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Hadi in the Kebab

Another anniversary passed, it was fine, a little blegh but overall fine.  Unsurprisingly no one remembers now except me of course but that's to be expected, I don't remember anyone's anniversary who is still married let alone divorced. 

Hold on, I lie, one person did remember and messaged me to ask how I was.  I replied with the standard "ok".  I knew I was due to bump into her during the day so she messaged me saying that we should grab a bite to eat afterwards.  I felt quite good about having some girl chat, I think a standard bitch is still allowed on would be anniversaries. 
I waited for her to say good bye to her husband so that we could make our way for the "men are dogs" line and some chicken.  I waited......then it dawned on me that we weren't about to have any girl chat, I was on my way to have dinner with a couple.  It was the God awful "cheer up the sad hag" dinner.  I love people's well meaning intentions, I just wish they wouldn't be so thick.  I don't want to go out with a couple today (or frankly, most days), I just want some of the gals around me and I want that chat that can only take place with no guys around us, that sorority of sisterhood (point to note, I did not say lesbian-hood).

This is something which post divorce, I have become acutely aware of...... couples can be  insensitive.  They will invite you out for dinners because that's what we used to do when I was married, they don't want to exclude me which is lovely but......I really don't want to be around couples.  Am I jealous?  I don't think so.  I've been thinking about what the problem is.  I have to make two people's worth of conversations and let's face it, I feel like a loser being by myself whilst I have couples (chirpy or pissed off) around me.

I remember my cousin mentioning something her husband had said to her when they were just married.  He said, he didn't like PDA's because you never know what the other person is going through so why evoke hurt or upset in them.  His sister was divorced so whilst I never gave it much thought at the time, I'm assuming now that his words were a reflection of how he perceived she must feel.  I do try my hardest not to feel anything when couples are.......couple-ish.  I think it's cute and nice etc but I can't do anything to stop or help the flashbacks that I get of myself once being......well, couple-ish. 

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Farewell for Now

I resurface again.  I don't tend to write here much as I do a fair bit of writing elsewhere now.  After finding out my ex, his lover, his friends and friends who are close to me all read this blog, it puts me off sharing my true feelings.  I don't feel I can express myself without it feeling like I'm sending a message to him or without worrying that family members may think I am on the brink of some major nervous breakdown (particularly after some of the earlier blogs).
 
Not much has happened since my last post.  A deadline passed which I set my ex so now a court injunction is being started and hopefully financial matters will be closed.  My lawyer has told me to use my power wisely and start proceedings when he actually has assets to his name but I can't be bothered dragging things out.  I know he is not the type to ever own anything of value.  I had considered dropping the matter and for some time put it to the back of my mind but it gnaws at me.  It is like that loose thread which I want to tie up.  So I've decided to proceed. 
 
I don't particularly enjoy living in this community anymore.  I hear things about him and his family despite my best efforts although I am lucky for the most part that we don't run in the same social circles.  I was hoping that given my ex in laws were so precious over their family name, they would have buggered off to Pakistan with their heads in shame over what he had done but unfortunately that only lasted a few months before they came back.
 
Funnily enough, I can forgive him for what he has done however I have difficulty forgiving his mother or family.  I do feel that they are already suffering with my ex being back in their house and to an extent I do feel some sympathy for the stress they might be enduring there.  I also feel there will probably be justice as though a plan is being laid out for the future.  My in laws had pride that their family was full of boys, I only really had nephews on that side of the family except one niece.  I heard recently that all the family have daughters now and I see that as a telling sign.  Perhaps people will come to realise why daughters are so precious and how to treat them correctly.  I wonder how they would feel if someone treated their daughter in the way they or even their son/brother treated me?  Maybe this will be the cause of their change or maybe not, ignorance has no boundaries at the end of the day.
 
I'm generally plodding along and plodding along for now is ok as there are certain things keeping me here for now.  Once they settle then I hope to get my travelling shoes on again and move away for a while.  Experiencing other countries. as I have said earlier, has always been a goal of mine.  I've been accused by friends of running away and letting him win.  I don't see it in that way.  I can choose to leave if I want to whereas despite his best efforts (and I know he wants to) he can never leave as he doesn't have the means nor the motivation to do so.  So who exactly is the winner?
 
I will possibly update things from time to time although for now I think this blog has come to the end of its natural life.  It served its purpose which was to give me a voice when I couldn't speak.  For all the love and support I got during this time, thank you!  For all those going through something similar, your family aren't lying when they say pain dulls as it will.  Unfortunately what they don't tell you is that the urge to kick him in the balls never does!  Adieu.

 

 

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Catch Up

A few new things have been happening.  I applied and got accepted for a project in Lebanon so will be away for a few months.  It involves doing some aid work with Palestinian refugees, the type of work my heart has always been wanting to do.  I don't feel particularly nervous about doing things by myself however that may change as the time comes closer! 
 
Infact I've been thinking about doing some travelling by myself.  I think it's another step to keep my confidence growing so I've been looking into travel companies who specifically cater for singletons.  I'm aware that I don't want life to pass my by and the reality is that most Asian/Muslim girls if they aren't married aren't allowed to travel alone so if I want to see the world then I really need to make my own plans.
 
Life is generally good alhumdulillah although I still get the odd down days.  Nothing in particular brings it on. Most times, it's just a sense of extreme loneliness which has brought me nowadays to a sympathetic understanding for woman who end up running off with non Muslim men.  It probably sounds bizarre but I get why they do it.  At the end of the day, it's not realistic to accept that woman will live alone for the rest of their lives so when they find companionship elsewhere, they grab it. 
 
Aside from that, more propositions from men who have been accused of cheating on their wives.  I get that there are always two sides to a story but the fact that there is suspicion means that I can't bring myself to want to hear the other side. 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Keep on Keeping on

Following on from my last post, I made a decision to keep on keeping on and as such the blog is still here.  I can't remember if I've mentioned but I started back at university again and decided to try my hand at teaching.  Since being back, my confidence has sky rocketed something which I never expected to happen but turned out to be a bit of an added bonus.  Being out my comfort zone, meeting new people, socialising with people I would never have before has given me a new lease.  I no longer need anybody to hold my hand and can confidently strut my stuff.  I hadn't realised how much my confidence had suffered post-divorce nor how little self-worth I felt. 
 
This past year, I have been dithering about this ongoing saga with my ex, the outstanding legal contract.  Up until a few weeks ago, I had resigned myself to the fact I would never see a penny of the money which had been stolen from me and to just let it go.  I was moving forward, life felt good etc so what's the point in embroiling myself in a bitter legal dispute.
 
Then I had a change of heart, probably thanks to this new found strength.  I put together a plan of action.  Firstly, give the ex a time limit of three weeks to honour his already one year late agreement.  Obviously, I don't expect much from that.  Secondly, to involve someone whom his family know well and have them turn up at his door with my legal papers explaining the situation to his father.  I don't expect much from that either except no doubt grief for him.  Thirdly, get the bailiffs in (I will admit, I get a bit of a kick from this one) and start removing items to the equivalent of what is owed to me which at this point has reached about ten grand.
 
I am determined this time and even if I never see a penny of it again, I intend to put up a good fight. 
 
 

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

......in more ways than one!  However to focus on myself, it appears that I have a few apologies to be making and as I am terrible at them, let me just jump straight in:
 
The first to my ex's (ex?) friends.  This blog was never created to cause any distress to yourselves.  This was purely started as a release for me during the most painful time in my life.  However it has come to my attention that my ex is an avid reader of this blog.  As a result of the fact that I make mention of having met most of you at various points, this has caused a fair amount of drama in your lives.  I also know that some of you follow my blog.  I'm quite glad that I didn't know earlier as it possibly would have led to me censoring my own feelings about things which I don't think I should have felt the need to hide.  As much as I was angry at you all at the time, I am sorry for what I can imagine has been a headache for you all.  To those who spoke to me, I extend my thanks and please know that even though it hurt like hell to hear, it helped me heal.    
 
The second to the "other woman".  I am sorry that my actions have made you feel I am your enemy.  It has also come to my attention that you too are an avid reader of my blog.  In which case, please understand and this next bit is quite important, had I wanted to destroy your life, I would have plastered your name or videos all over this blog, youtube, twitter etc etc.  I have never been out to destroy you.  It was you that I felt the most sorry for at one point (once I was done feeling sorry for myself ofcourse!) because of the mess you got yourself into.  I hear the two of you are trying to get married to which I wish you nothing but sincere luck.  I have a feeling that you will be in touch with me at some point in my life whether it be in a year or ten years because I believe you will want to talk and if that time comes when he has destroyed you emotionally, I will be here to help because no woman should be made to feel worthless and you will.  For what you are about to go through, I'm sorry and for what you feel I have done, I am sorry. 
 
My blog was never started as a means of retribution.  I am by no means a writer as I have stated on numerous occasions.  However writing and sharing in this very American type of way was in a way my saving.  I never expected it to be tweeted by one of my favourite authors, had I expected it, I probably would have changed particular things quicker.  It was just little ol' me afterall.  I will probably take some time to have a think as to whether to keep this beloved blog going.  Either way to all those who emailed me with your own stories, you are my inspiration.  To those who hated on me, you made me want to do better.  If I was to hope people take one thing away from my blog, it's to know that even in your darkest moment, light is only around the corner. 
 
 
 

 

 

Sunday, 9 March 2014

The Curse of the Second Wife

I didn't think it was possible to feel any more despair that what I already do after being on the raw end of this whole cheating scandal.  It turns out I was wrong.  You see there's a new phenomenon happening and it's the one of the second wife. 
 
You don't get it?  Ok well neither did I but let me try to explain it.  Man marries woman, has kids, job, family car....normal life on the surface of it.  He maybe has that odd meeting away that leaves said wife on her own, starts travelling a little bit more but nothing out  of the ordinary.  Then one day, she catches a message on his mobile phone.  Something irks her about the message and she starts to dig.  Her digging leads her to discover her husband of ten years has had his nikkah done to another woman.  He has had a secret second wife for five years and even managed to father a few children from her.
 
The worst bit about it for me is that in most instances that I know of, the second wife knows her man is already married.  She therefore agrees to enter into a marriage with an already married man.  In my city, I know of at least three situations where a man is married in secret to another.  Clearly not that great a secret seeing as I know but nevertheless done behind first wives back.  A meeting with my lawyer last week made me cringe when she told me that most of the cases she was dealing with nowadays were from the Muslim community of first wives discovering their husbands had married another woman in secret.  
 
I don't see anybody condemning it so where are all the scholars, muftis, imams etc while this goes on?  How or why is it made so easy for men to be able to do this?  Why are woman agreeing to become homewreckers........love?  It's the same love that will make you wife number two when he goes on to marry his third.   
 
   

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Let Trash Attract Trash

Although I do crave the tapping of my thoughts on this blog, I don't seem to have much time nowadays.  In between studying, working, house hunting (again) and sinking (my teeth!) into a new business, I am feeling a touch exhausted.  Socialising, meeting men, watching a movie even have  all been put on a backburner until May when life should be a little less hectic. 
 
In amongst all this however, I have had a breakthrough.  Since my last post, I have met with almost everybody now who socialised with my ex during his affair.  One person remained and I had contact from him saying he would be happy to meet me.  For the first time though, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to and I took some time to have a think.  I took a fortnight actually and sent a (hopefully) polite message back, thanking him but explaining that there was probably no need to talk now.  He was after all not going to tell me anything I didn't already know and even if he did, was there any point in accumulating more filth....?  I had already spent the past year trying to get some pretty disturbing mental images out of my head so enough was finally enough. 
 
I've been left feeling quite chuffed with myself since this little incident.  I know it appears to be nothing, I brushed off a meet up, and what?  It's more than that to me though.  I'm happy with not having my answers.  Those unanswered questions which tortured me last year, those answers which I was obsessed with finding; I have no space for in this new life which I'm trying to create.  I accept that I will never have all the answers.  I accept that the only person that can give them to me was him.  I accept that he never will.  I accept it and you know what, it feels pretty damn good.