Hello! So after some time away and realisation that my heart is quite attached to this blog, I thought I would let you know that I have moved it to another site. This will allow me better control of posts some of which I may be more comfortable sharing only with a select few.
The address for the new site is: https://biryanniforone.wordpress.com/ and goes by the same name "Desi, Divorced and Damn Fabulous".
I look forward to catching you there from time to time x
- Laila Ali
- United Kingdom
- I'm a 30yr old Muslim Gal who comes from a Pakistani background. I am currently in the middle of a divorce so thought I'd write a blog, more for myself, as a diary but anyone is welcome to share their thoughts x I now share my thoughts on a new site which you can find on the following address: https://biryanniforone.wordpress.com/
Saturday, 15 November 2014
In an earlier post sorry seems to be the hardest word, I seemed to make a range of crazy apologies. I'm not quite sure what was going through my mind when I made them. I think I had just heard about one of his friends almost getting pummelled by my ex and felt a little bad for them.
However, I would like to retract said apology. Whatever happened to all my ex's friends and the hassle they received wasn't ever down to me. Their friendship never ended due to an admirable quality in any of them to cut off following knowledge of an affair. It was for their own selfish reasons. A couple of them lied to me to cover his affair and the fact he was hanging out with girls behind my back. When I confronted one, he told me that he covered because at the end of the day "I wasn't his mate but my ex was". The age old, "Bro's before Ho's". I wonder if those words will echo in his ears one of these days.
As for the bit on the side and her family. As it is coming to the two year mark, my ex will probably have had his fill of fun with you. Either he will have moved on or will be seeing somebody else behind your back by now. There was a time when I was so upset after finding out about the affair that I pathetically twitter stalked and saw the poison written on the mistresses pages about me. I look forward to receiving my apology from you about the lies and indecency which were being spouted (amongst the obvious).
While I'm at it, I wouldn't mind an apology from the mistresses brother either. The manipulation of using their ill mother to ensure that I wouldn't mention anything to their family members was a ploy that went for my heartstrings at the time. I was a bit dim to realise that people will do whatever they need to in order to ensure their own are protected.
I think that will do for now!
Monday, 20 October 2014
I feel pretty tired lately. This time of year isn't get any easier. As I enter into year two of separation, I thought emotions around particular "anniversaries" would lessen but it doesn't seem to get any better. I've learnt plenty along this journey and am still learning as I go along the way. Some things I picked up two years on:
1) Everybody else will forget but you won't. Sometimes it seems strange to me that things carry on as normal and the way everybody including me adjusts back into life again. I have the odd twinges where I want too scream at someone; "Do you remember what I went through?". My pain still exists, some days it's less and some days it's worse but people will forget as it's not theirs. You more or less have to deal with it yourself.
2) People can be assh*les. Try not to depend on others. Plenty of friends tell you how they will always be there for you but when push comes to shove, they don't really want to get too involved in the mess. I have been lucky on the whole with friends but there are still some whom I feel quite disappointed with.
3) Men think you're desperate. I have been chased by married men asking if I want to be their second wife (bolk), propositioned with one night stands (no lie) except it was worded under "temporary nikkah" and generally been met with plenty of unsavouries that I wouldn't even send to my worse enemy. When you divorce, particular men will think you are game for anything.
4) I can take on the world. I really do think that I have been through one of the most difficult things people can go through. As a result, I feel pretty confident that whatever the world throws at me, I will be able to take.
5) I can't be bothered with bullsh*t anymore. If I dislike someone then I won't be around then and if I don't want to take someone's nonsense then I put them right. I don't know if this is coming down to age or my experience but I just don't feel like I want to waste time on being fake. This relates to some family too. I keep things right and civil but don't go beyond that now. This probably boils down to hurt over the fact that whenever they see me months down the line, they never ask how I'm doing which really is a bit of a basic in my eyes.
I feel this is a bit of a negative post or maybe it's just a real one. You'll probably notice that October, November and December posts don't tend to have the most uplifting of words in them. How do you find anniversaries of separation? Is anybody else further along than me and able to comment on how things are now?
Sunday, 7 September 2014
Hello folks! This is just a short post to say thanks very much for the messages of the past few weeks, makes me feel loved!
If you would like to reach me then feel free to email me on firstname.lastname@example.org.
Please feel free to share any of your stories in the comments section as I do feel this blog is a platform, not just for me, but for others to know that they are not alone in their pain/in-law problems/divorce/difficulties.
I may have some exciting news soon related to this blog but I'm afraid I have to leave it mysterious for now! I know, I'm an arse and I hate people like me who do that. xx
Sunday, 3 August 2014
Another anniversary passed, it was fine, a little blegh but overall fine. Unsurprisingly no one remembers now except me of course but that's to be expected, I don't remember anyone's anniversary who is still married let alone divorced.
Hold on, I lie, one person did remember and messaged me to ask how I was. I replied with the standard "ok". I knew I was due to bump into her during the day so she messaged me saying that we should grab a bite to eat afterwards. I felt quite good about having some girl chat, I think a standard bitch is still allowed on would be anniversaries.
I waited for her to say good bye to her husband so that we could make our way for the "men are dogs" line and some chicken. I waited......then it dawned on me that we weren't about to have any girl chat, I was on my way to have dinner with a couple. It was the God awful "cheer up the sad hag" dinner. I love people's well meaning intentions, I just wish they wouldn't be so thick. I don't want to go out with a couple today (or frankly, most days), I just want some of the gals around me and I want that chat that can only take place with no guys around us, that sorority of sisterhood (point to note, I did not say lesbian-hood).
This is something which post divorce, I have become acutely aware of...... couples can be insensitive. They will invite you out for dinners because that's what we used to do when I was married, they don't want to exclude me which is lovely but......I really don't want to be around couples. Am I jealous? I don't think so. I've been thinking about what the problem is. I have to make two people's worth of conversations and let's face it, I feel like a loser being by myself whilst I have couples (chirpy or pissed off) around me.
I remember my cousin mentioning something her husband had said to her when they were just married. He said, he didn't like PDA's because you never know what the other person is going through so why evoke hurt or upset in them. His sister was divorced so whilst I never gave it much thought at the time, I'm assuming now that his words were a reflection of how he perceived she must feel. I do try my hardest not to feel anything when couples are.......couple-ish. I think it's cute and nice etc but I can't do anything to stop or help the flashbacks that I get of myself once being......well, couple-ish.
Sunday, 18 May 2014
A few new things have been happening. I applied and got accepted for a project in Lebanon so will be away for a few months. It involves doing some aid work with Palestinian refugees, the type of work my heart has always been wanting to do. I don't feel particularly nervous about doing things by myself however that may change as the time comes closer!
Infact I've been thinking about doing some travelling by myself. I think it's another step to keep my confidence growing so I've been looking into travel companies who specifically cater for singletons. I'm aware that I don't want life to pass my by and the reality is that most Asian/Muslim girls if they aren't married aren't allowed to travel alone so if I want to see the world then I really need to make my own plans.
Life is generally good alhumdulillah although I still get the odd down days. Nothing in particular brings it on. Most times, it's just a sense of extreme loneliness which has brought me nowadays to a sympathetic understanding for woman who end up running off with non Muslim men. It probably sounds bizarre but I get why they do it. At the end of the day, it's not realistic to accept that woman will live alone for the rest of their lives so when they find companionship elsewhere, they grab it.
Aside from that, more propositions from men who have been accused of cheating on their wives. I get that there are always two sides to a story but the fact that there is suspicion means that I can't bring myself to want to hear the other side.
Saturday, 12 April 2014
Following on from my last post, I made a decision to keep on keeping on and as such the blog is still here. I can't remember if I've mentioned but I started back at university again and decided to try my hand at teaching. Since being back, my confidence has sky rocketed something which I never expected to happen but turned out to be a bit of an added bonus. Being out my comfort zone, meeting new people, socialising with people I would never have before has given me a new lease. I no longer need anybody to hold my hand and can confidently strut my stuff. I hadn't realised how much my confidence had suffered post-divorce nor how little self-worth I felt.
This past year, I have been dithering about this ongoing saga with my ex, the outstanding legal contract. Up until a few weeks ago, I had resigned myself to the fact I would never see a penny of the money which had been stolen from me and to just let it go. I was moving forward, life felt good etc so what's the point in embroiling myself in a bitter legal dispute.
Then I had a change of heart, probably thanks to this new found strength. I put together a plan of action. Firstly, give the ex a time limit of three weeks to honour his already one year late agreement. Obviously, I don't expect much from that. Secondly, to involve someone whom his family know well and have them turn up at his door with my legal papers explaining the situation to his father. I don't expect much from that either except no doubt grief for him. Thirdly, get the bailiffs in (I will admit, I get a bit of a kick from this one) and start removing items to the equivalent of what is owed to me which at this point has reached about ten grand.
I am determined this time and even if I never see a penny of it again, I intend to put up a good fight.