About Me

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I'm a 30yr old Muslim Gal who comes from a Pakistani background. I am currently in the middle of a divorce so thought I'd write a blog, more for myself, as a diary but anyone is welcome to share their thoughts x

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Keep on Keeping on

Following on from my last post, I made a decision to keep on keeping on and as such the blog is still here.  I can't remember if I've mentioned but I started back at university again and decided to try my hand at teaching.  Since being back, my confidence has sky rocketed something which I never expected to happen but turned out to be a bit of an added bonus.  Being out my comfort zone, meeting new people, socialising with people I would never have before has given me a new lease.  I no longer need anybody to hold my hand and can confidently strut my stuff.  I hadn't realised how much my confidence had suffered post-divorce nor how little self-worth I felt. 
This past year, I have been dithering about this ongoing saga with my ex, the outstanding legal contract.  Up until a few weeks ago, I had resigned myself to the fact I would never see a penny of the money which had been stolen from me and to just let it go.  I was moving forward, life felt good etc so what's the point in embroiling myself in a bitter legal dispute.
Then I had a change of heart, probably thanks to this new found strength.  I put together a plan of action.  Firstly, give the ex a time limit of three weeks to honour his already one year late agreement.  Obviously, I don't expect much from that.  Secondly, to involve someone whom his family know well and have them turn up at his door with my legal papers explaining the situation to his father.  I don't expect much from that either except no doubt grief for him.  Thirdly, get the bailiffs in (I will admit, I get a bit of a kick from this one) and start removing items to the equivalent of what is owed to me which at this point has reached about ten grand.
I am determined this time and even if I never see a penny of it again, I intend to put up a good fight. 

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

......in more ways than one!  However to focus on myself, it appears that I have a few apologies to be making and as I am terrible at them, let me just jump straight in:
The first to my ex's (ex?) friends.  This blog was never created to cause any distress to yourselves.  This was purely started as a release for me during the most painful time in my life.  However it has come to my attention that my ex is an avid reader of this blog.  As a result of the fact that I make mention of having met most of you at various points, this has caused a fair amount of drama in your lives.  I also know that some of you follow my blog.  I'm quite glad that I didn't know earlier as it possibly would have led to me censoring my own feelings about things which I don't think I should have felt the need to hide.  As much as I was angry at you all at the time, I am sorry for what I can imagine has been a headache for you all.  To those who spoke to me, I extend my thanks and please know that even though it hurt like hell to hear, it helped me heal.    
The second to the "other woman".  I am sorry that my actions have made you feel I am your enemy.  It has also come to my attention that you too are an avid reader of my blog.  In which case, please understand and this next bit is quite important, had I wanted to destroy your life, I would have plastered your name or videos all over this blog, youtube, twitter etc etc.  I have never been out to destroy you.  It was you that I felt the most sorry for at one point (once I was done feeling sorry for myself ofcourse!) because of the mess you got yourself into.  I hear the two of you are trying to get married to which I wish you nothing but sincere luck.  I have a feeling that you will be in touch with me at some point in my life whether it be in a year or ten years because I believe you will want to talk and if that time comes when he has destroyed you emotionally, I will be here to help because no woman should be made to feel worthless and you will.  For what you are about to go through, I'm sorry and for what you feel I have done, I am sorry. 
My blog was never started as a means of retribution.  I am by no means a writer as I have stated on numerous occasions.  However writing and sharing in this very American type of way was in a way my saving.  I never expected it to be tweeted by one of my favourite authors, had I expected it, I probably would have changed particular things quicker.  It was just little ol' me afterall.  I will probably take some time to have a think as to whether to keep this beloved blog going.  Either way to all those who emailed me with your own stories, you are my inspiration.  To those who hated on me, you made me want to do better.  If I was to hope people take one thing away from my blog, it's to know that even in your darkest moment, light is only around the corner. 



Sunday, 9 March 2014

The Curse of the Second Wife

I didn't think it was possible to feel any more despair that what I already do after being on the raw end of this whole cheating scandal.  It turns out I was wrong.  You see there's a new phenomenon happening and it's the one of the second wife. 
You don't get it?  Ok well neither did I but let me try to explain it.  Man marries woman, has kids, job, family car....normal life on the surface of it.  He maybe has that odd meeting away that leaves said wife on her own, starts travelling a little bit more but nothing out  of the ordinary.  Then one day, she catches a message on his mobile phone.  Something irks her about the message and she starts to dig.  Her digging leads her to discover her husband of ten years has had his nikkah done to another woman.  He has had a secret second wife for five years and even managed to father a few children from her.
The worst bit about it for me is that in most instances that I know of, the second wife knows her man is already married.  She therefore agrees to enter into a marriage with an already married man.  In my city, I know of at least three situations where a man is married in secret to another.  Clearly not that great a secret seeing as I know but nevertheless done behind first wives back.  A meeting with my lawyer last week made me cringe when she told me that most of the cases she was dealing with nowadays were from the Muslim community of first wives discovering their husbands had married another woman in secret.  
I don't see anybody condemning it so where are all the scholars, muftis, imams etc while this goes on?  How or why is it made so easy for men to be able to do this?  Why are woman agreeing to become homewreckers........love?  It's the same love that will make you wife number two when he goes on to marry his third.   

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Let Trash Attract Trash

Although I do crave the tapping of my thoughts on this blog, I don't seem to have much time nowadays.  In between studying, working, house hunting (again) and sinking (my teeth!) into a new business, I am feeling a touch exhausted.  Socialising, meeting men, watching a movie even have  all been put on a backburner until May when life should be a little less hectic. 
In amongst all this however, I have had a breakthrough.  Since my last post, I have met with almost everybody now who socialised with my ex during his affair.  One person remained and I had contact from him saying he would be happy to meet me.  For the first time though, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to and I took some time to have a think.  I took a fortnight actually and sent a (hopefully) polite message back, thanking him but explaining that there was probably no need to talk now.  He was after all not going to tell me anything I didn't already know and even if he did, was there any point in accumulating more filth....?  I had already spent the past year trying to get some pretty disturbing mental images out of my head so enough was finally enough. 
I've been left feeling quite chuffed with myself since this little incident.  I know it appears to be nothing, I brushed off a meet up, and what?  It's more than that to me though.  I'm happy with not having my answers.  Those unanswered questions which tortured me last year, those answers which I was obsessed with finding; I have no space for in this new life which I'm trying to create.  I accept that I will never have all the answers.  I accept that the only person that can give them to me was him.  I accept that he never will.  I accept it and you know what, it feels pretty damn good. 

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

It's Raining Men!

I'm back again, this time to spout about my recent spousing experiences.  Things have changed.  It seems to be quite trendy (is that the word?) to be a cougar nowadays.  I could feel myself shifting somewhat uncomfortably when my friend suggested I speak to someone she knew who was a couple years younger than me.  Age is but a number, she kept saying.  I've never really seen myself with a man younger than myself, am I stuck in traditional ways?  Not so much now, I didn't notice the age difference when we spoke so happy days, I have broken away from my norm.
The past few months has put me in touch with Bengali men (sweethearts), Pakistani men ("what can you cook?"), Reverts (interesting/strict) and African men (softys).  Of course I'm generalising completely but I'm allowed to, it's my blog.  I don't seem to have very much interest in Pakistani men, not that I think they have very much interest in me either.  I do want someone different and not enter into the typical backward life which I exited from.  Having met a few men from different backgrounds, I wonder about the clash of cultures though.  Based on my most recent conversation with someone, I think it becomes a problem when neither party is very flexible and has a deep rooted sense of being within their culture.
I definitely feel a lot more confident now when speaking to men about this whole marriage business.  I'm comfortable in my own skin and not scared of asking questions which I think are important to me.  My most recent experience would have to be by far the most positive, if only all men could act like that!  Phone when they say they will, speak like a gentleman, intelligent and not get offended by important personal questions.  It has restored my faith that there are still good men floating around out there.  There's just a lot of sifting needed to try to find them.           

Thursday, 9 January 2014

"Double, Double, Toil and Trouble"

Khala jadhoo, black magic, taveez and goodness knows how many other names are given for these sudden unexplainable reasons things go wrong.  As someone who has grown up here and who perhaps considers myself somewhat educated, I do at times look at the concept of "magic" with a sense of snobbery if that is the right word.....and I think it is.  It is a topic which makes me very uncomfortable.  I don't take much to do with people that talk about these things nor attend talks about it. 
I had forgotten up until now that it was the first explanation given for my ex's madness  when he walked out on me.  It tends to feature heavily within Asian culture, the concept of "nazar" (the evil eye) and I shamefully admit that at the time, I got rather sucked in by it all too.  I can appreciate now how easy it is for people who are untrustworthy in these matters to prey on someone so vulnerable.  After being told by a good number of aunties to consult an Imam incase "magic" had been done, I spoke to a reputable sheikh in my area about it.  He didn't laugh at me like I expected him to, why would he, afterall this was something which was done to our Prophet (pbuh).  He was a lovely elderly man which was a surprise to me as most elders  I encountered from the mosque were never particularly helpful towards woman.  He looked deeply saddened when I told him my story so far and sighed heavily, muttering to himself about heartless men.  He merely told me to continue with the prayers I was doing and believed that things would probably become clearer soon enough, he didn't believe there was anything untoward going on in the mystical sense.
For me, at that point, it was something to latch onto.  At a time when nothing made sense, there was no conceivable explanation for what was happening, "nazr" made perfect sense to me!  I do believe such things exist and I go by the Prophetic examples however I do not believe it is the cause of most problems.  From personal experience, I would advise that if you are emotionally vulnerable,  always consult someone reputable not just a "holy man" whom your granny's mother's sister used to visit as it is all to easy to be taken advantage of, financially or worse.  I have great respect for the Imam I spoke to at the time, not only for his concern but that he wasn't a scaremonger either and imparted valuable advice to me (I should also add, he didn't demand a fee or any nonsense like that).     
I'm still told by oldies that they believe "magic" featured heavily in the demise of my marriage.  It exasperates me but I don't bother to argue with the old dears anymore.  I know that there were no evil forces that caused him to adulterate.  It was him and him alone. 

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

One Year On

There's been a bit of a break in my posts.  I don't seem to blog as much  as I used to.  I would say the main reason is that I started this blog to help me, a type of outlet, and maybe I don't rely on it like I used to because I feel like I'm in a good place..............although I do still like a bit of a catchup and through this blog have discovered that I quite enjoy writing. 
So last week I passed the one year mark since we separated.  I sit here remembering and through remembering I'm able to acknowledge how far I have come.  I never thought the pain would leave, I never thought I would be able to say his name without crying, I never thought I would be able to stand seeing him again and I never thought I would feel like myself.  Ofcourse pain dulls, not quite left yet but it's almost ready to.  It all seems so unreal now, as though that chapter never existed.  I would never have believed that my turmoiled life could return to normal somewhere along the way.   
I don't have any contact with him nor have I seen or heard from him in almost a year.  I hear the odd thing from people about how terrible he looks and he still seems to frequent his usual places.  Things may have changed for me in a year but not much has for him.  I'm tempted at times to send him a message to remind him that he's outstanding in his legal agreement with me but I don't bother, when I want to then I'll force him to be reminded through the law.  I don't have any love for him, only disdain.  I see him now as a pathetic individual who spends his time sitting in sheesha bars with nothing to call his own.   
Generally his family keep out my way too.  I did get my first message from one of his sisters a few weeks ago, ironically a forwarded religious message.  I couldn't hold myself back when I saw her name appear on my phone and the message which followed.  I replied back with a pretty sharp message: "Perhaps your adulterating brother who was having sexual relations with another woman whilst married would benefit from your forwarded religious messages".  His family's hypocrisy still irritates me.  Nobody has been shocked by my in-laws behaviours which is probably a sad portrayal and a lesson that rude behaviour to others costs your reputation.  I have met people whom my ex mother in law has tried to speak to and get her version of events out to them.  I'm not slow in telling her friends the truth and I am happy enough to show them videos of my ex having his affair if any of my in-laws put false stories about, some videos are pretty sickening so I'd rather not be there if an aunty-jee watches.  I don't see myself as a wall flower and I certainly won't be wilting when lies are fed about me. 
I feel strong.  Since my marriage ended, I have had nothing but support from my family to strangers who became friends.  I'm all about living life and will be relocating at some point for some new experiences.  One year on, I feel happy and for now being happy is enough for me.