Although I do crave the tapping of my thoughts on this blog, I don't seem to have much time nowadays. In between studying, working, house hunting (again) and sinking (my teeth!) into a new business, I am feeling a touch exhausted. Socialising, meeting men, watching a movie even have all been put on a backburner until May when life should be a little less hectic.
In amongst all this however, I have had a breakthrough. Since my last post, I have met with almost everybody now who socialised with my ex during his affair. One person remained and I had contact from him saying he would be happy to meet me. For the first time though, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to and I took some time to have a think. I took a fortnight actually and sent a (hopefully) polite message back, thanking him but explaining that there was probably no need to talk now. He was after all not going to tell me anything I didn't already know and even if he did, was there any point in accumulating more filth....? I had already spent the past year trying to get some pretty disturbing mental images out of my head so enough was finally enough.
I've been left feeling quite chuffed with myself since this little incident. I know it appears to be nothing, I brushed off a meet up, and what? It's more than that to me though. I'm happy with not having my answers. Those unanswered questions which tortured me last year, those answers which I was obsessed with finding; I have no space for in this new life which I'm trying to create. I accept that I will never have all the answers. I accept that the only person that can give them to me was him. I accept that he never will. I accept it and you know what, it feels pretty damn good.