For the first time, I heard someone scream today in what I can only describe as a distressing cry of helplessness. He screamed my name as he walked through the door of my work. Naturally I was startled and when I looked up, he was sobbing. I'm not talking about a few tears but wailing. I wanted to reach over and just hold him, he seemed so broken. The most I could do was a comforting arm rub (damn the arm rubs) and some soothing words. "Why me???", he kept repeating, "Why me?!". He had just been diagnosed with cancer and having ignored a lump for months, the cancer had spread. He is 34years old and probably going to die in a matter of months.
It is stories like this which give me perspective. My problems seemed so big at the time. I suppose I am allowed to feel that way, we all are as our issues are real to us and they affect our lives. My problems however don't compare to cancer. Health truly is wealth. May God protect us all, alleviate the pain and cure those who are suffering from ill health.
I've been thinking about my nephew from my ex's side particularly after today's incident at work. He was diagnosed with cancer a year or so ago and my thoughts have many a time gone back to him and whether he is in remission yet or how he is getting on. Despite never being close to my in laws, I know the kids took to me and I had a lot of time for them. Children tend to be too innocent to get embroiled in adult's pettiness and as such they would be the only ones to ever speak to me or want me to play with them.
I feel a slight bitterness towards my ex for the way in which he did this. Not the cruelty in which he ended the marriage with me but the cruelty of not allowing me to say goodbye. Not just the nephews and nieces but his brother too, another innocent who adored everybody around him and the only adult in my ex's family whom I truly had a bond with. The one who could speak least, I could spend hours conversing with.
I felt pained when I took the decision to remove my ex's nephew from my contacts. I sent him a private message before taking him off my social site saying the following: "Salaam a, just a quick message. Unfortunately due to curcumstances, I have to delete you from my account. I didn't want to do it in a way that you feel hurt by what I do. The reasons will probably be explained to you at some point but I suppose it is a bit of a grown up conversation which is why I can't go into it with you. If you ever see me about, give me a salaam. I wish you all the best in your life, you were always my wee favourite