It seems as though nothing much has happened since my last post but when I think about it a lot has taken place. For one, I feel good. Not the fake good from a few months ago but the good where perhaps I had to get to my lowest to be brought back up again. I would certainly say my lowest point was when I wrote A Very Lonely Type of Pain and I think back to the rawness that was consuming me then. As they say, sometimes you need to get there and when you do the only way is up. Praise be to Allah, something has been taking place within me for the past few months, I believe it may be what's known as healing.
It may or may not have been obvious but even before I wrote that piece I started to actively work on myself, the issues that affected me from my breakup and the emotional turmoil I felt I was drowning in. It meant having to face a lot of difficult truths and painful memories. I suppose I have been writing on this blog as I've been doing all that. I understand that it was only by facing the pain that I have managed to somewhat overcome it.
I have only recently started to read my blog back from the beginning and I view much of my emotional state during and after the marriage interesting but frustrating. There have been a few questions that have come up for me as I've been reading it.
Why was I so desperate to salvage the marriage even though he had walked out on me in possibly one of the most callous ways? I suppose it's because we are brought up that marriage is forever, I didn't want to fail. I loved him despite it all and I thought I could make it work, perhaps it was a moment of insanity on his part that I could try to rationalise later. I was proud. I didn't want to be a disappointment to my parents.
Why was I pretending at the beginning of the blog that the marriage was normal and there had been no problems leading up to that point? That's how I saw it. I suppose what I really should have said was that my ex hadn't communicated any problems to me however my self esteem had been shredded by him for years. I can safely say that it is only when you come out of a relationship that you realise how much you put up with and what truly went on. For me now, it is no surprise that my husband cheated on me. For much of my marriage, I was mistreated. Ultimately, once I came to accept that his behaviour was classed as abuse, I accepted that him leaving would always have been inevitable. Breakthrough.
I had kept a diary since I was married and I started reading it, again for the first time. It catalogued many things. Quite possibly one of the hardest things I had ever read but something that had been kept secret from everyone.
I spoke about my ex's behaviour for the first time to the person who has been the closest to me before and since this all happened. My beloved brother. I knew he would feel guilt, I knew he would feel upset but I was advised to talk about it. I think it's about unburdening yourself from a secret which you have been carrying alone. To an extent you feel like a master of deceit, no one around me had any idea but I know now it wasn't deceit. It was just a typical cycle and I became trapped in it.
From there on, I felt free.
I don't miss my ex or anything about him anymore. I am able to see him for what he truly is. It is that which drove me to send him a final email. I asked him to seek help so that he might be able to get the tools he needs to change. Not for my sake as I have no desire to have a relationship with him however as I told him, I know the route he is going down will only end badly and despite everything I don't wish him any ill fated outcome. The email back was what I expected but it didn't affect me now. I had said my last bit and it wasn't nasty nor was it belittling, it was humane.
I have said many times in my posts that I have felt God has been looking out for me since my marriage ended. Through securing my home to bringing my family closer together, there are countless things (Alhumdulillah) which have gone in my favour. I feel blessed, I feel happy, I feel protected and grateful towards the generosity which my Creator has bestowed on me. I know that by the will of Allah, good things await me.
On that note, I take leave from writing and eagerly wait for our friend Ramadhan. I wish you all a blessed month. I pray that Allah (swt) accepts our efforts/Duas in this month and forgives us for our shortcomings. Please do remember me in your Duas.